APEOCALYPSE

BATTLE FOR EARTH:

GORRILLA WARFARE

SCENE 17

EXT. STEAMING JUNLGE – DAY

Our HEROES trudge cautiously through the steaming jungle, weary from their long journey into the dark unknown. On each man’s face the sweat of a thousand agonizing strides runs freely like water from some filthy jungle waterfall. Each hero bears the scars of a thousand battles, leathery faces which tell the stories of a million ruined families, tortured friends, and endless tragedy. One man breaks down and weeps openly into his pulse-rifle butt. JOHN KODIAK stops and turns around really slowly, the camera dollying in on his grave expression. He speaks in a gruff voice, gravelly from years of screaming orders over the howls of countless apes.

JOHN KODIAK

Kid… I gave specific instructions. No crying.

SOLDIER

Oh god… oh god….

JOHN KODIAK

There is no God.

The HEROES move on, the SOLDIER finding renewed strength in KODIAK’S great wisdom. KODIAK is a great leader of men. They fall out into single file, casting wary gazes into the shadowy jungle about them, pulse rifles poised to fire at any given moment. The rainforest is mostly quiet except for the occasional excited howl in the far distance. Suddenly, KODIAK stops.

KODIAK

We are… getting close.

KODIAK stands with his back to the squad, silent and unmoving, as if listening for something. TYLER, a massive black squad member, is KODIAK’s second-in-command. TYLER approaches KODIAK warily.

TYLER

Yo, Kode-man, wussup up in da jungle, man?

KODIAK

Shh. I sense…. A forward party.

TYLER

Sheeeeet.

KODIAK waves his hands about expertly as his men take up positions around the small jungle clearing they have found themselves in. KODIAK checks his pulse rifle.

KODIAK

Oh my God. I’ve only got three pulse cells left.

GRIMM

We spent our cells at the Great Battle of Silverback Gorge, remember?

KODIAK

Yes… I remember…

We ZOOM through KODIAK’s eye (CGI) and we see a rapid series of men’s faces screaming, pulse rifle shots streaming into the night sky, a vicious howling in the air, men’s limbs torn and flying, cartwheeling through the air in showers of blood. We ZOOM back out to find KODIAK breathing heavily, sweat pouring like water from his face, a pained expression.

GRIM

Sir? You okay?

KODIAK

Okay? Were those men okay, when we left them to die at the hands of those... beasts?? What does that say about us? About humanity? About…

TYLER

IIIIINCOOOOMING!!!

Suddenly, the foliage around the men erupts in a ferocious HOWL, echoing around the rainforest, full of primal energy and malice, from the depths of time.

KODIAK

Alpha formation! Choose your targets! Show now mercy! For they will show you none!

The foliage bursts as the first wave of SUPER-APES descends upon the squad. SPASTIC SHAKY CAMERA SHOT of ape after ape charging, mouths foaming, savoring the slaughter to come. Each ape is clad in leather battle-armor and steel caps, holding pointed spears, wearing necklaces of human man-skulls. They are ferocious to behold. The squad has formed a tight ring in the center of the clearing, each man covering his squad-mate behind him. An impenetrable fortress of muscle and resolve and pulse-rifles.

KODIAK

Open FIRE!

The soldiers fire their pulse-rifles in unison, each man sensing his comrades technique, firing shots in tandem, effectively, efficiently, ruthlessly. The corpses of APES litter the forest floor, piling up on each other in mighty howls, as yet more pile on, wave after wave of tooth and fur and muscle.

RAPID SUCCESSION OF SHOTS: JOHN KODIAK fires his last pulse rifle shot in SLOW MO towards a lumbering ULTRA-APE, the burning depleted uranium blast puncturing the beast’s face and exploding out the back of the hairy, grizzled head in a shower of bone and blood and brains. The shot continues and kills 5 more apes standing in a line behind the first one.

KODIAK

6 in One… breakfast’s served!

KODIAK’s witty remark has only a moment’s effect on the men however, as three more massive MEGA-APES plummet from the treetops directly on top of the men. GRIMM, a young computer operative, screams, frightened.

GRIMM

Above! We are being attacked from above, where we are most vulnerable!

He cannot say more, however, as he is grabbed by a colossal ape and hurled against a nearby palm tree. SLOW MO shot of GRIMM’S body exploding in a shower of red and bone, with a sickening crack.

SQUAD (together)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The great beasts laugh hideously, taking pleasure in the slaughter of this young man. His loss instills a desire for REVENGE in JOHN KODIAK

KODIAK

You mindless beasts…. THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING!

KODIAK runs in SLOW MO directly towards the great beast as his squad-mates engage the other foes. Suddenly, TYLER crouches and bares his back towards KODIAK, who jumps heroically upon TYLER’S shoulders and boosts himself, somersaulting and in SLOW MO, towards the head of the BEAST.

KODIAL

This is for….GRIMM

KODIAK fires a massive burst of PULSE RIFLE shots into the BEASTS face, reloads, then empties that clips also. The massive BEAST, crippled due to the loss of his head (which is essential to the survival of apes), falls with a great crash to the forest floor.

KODIAK

They won’t be…howling any more

TYLER

Yo, that was some fucked. Up. Sheeeet!

KODIAK

Our mission is… far from over. We must continue to the great Ape City deep within the jungle. But we haven’t a hope of surviving that place. Unless..

KODIAK pauses for dramatic effect.

TYLER

Yo, unless wut?

KODIAK

We must become apes.

TYLER

Nigga sez WUT?

JOHN KODIAK strides towards the body of one of the smaller SUPER APES, removing the beast’s armor.

KODIAK

Each man should find whatever ape-garments he thinks will fit. We’re going to... the APE CITY…

Pause as the men gaze at each other, astonished.

KODIAK

…AS APES!

Trailer Overload

Confession: I'm something of a movie trailer nut. I find them fascinating. Masterpieces of short, concentrated bursts of excitement. Trailers are like big shouty loud people that scream, ''HEY! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT THIS! AND THIS! AND THIS!'' and then do impressive backflips and juggle switchblades and pickaxes and things. Good trailers hold one's attention, give an idea of a movie's themes and mood and cast. Bad trailers give away every good joke in the movie.

Hey, speaking of trailers, Hollywood seems to have decided that right now they're going to make sure you're going to be sitting in that theatre chair at some point over the coming months. There has been a veritable shit-storm of new trailers. Shiny, exciting, flashy trailers!

First up, Terminator Salvation:

I wasn't all that excited about this at first... I mean, the director is a man that calls himself ''McG''. This, by default, means that the man is a douche. He's also the pussy that whimpered ''I didn't see it happen'' after Christian Bale asked politely if Mc.G had ''something to say to this prick'', meaning the idiot director of photography who walked on-set in the middle of a performance.
The biggest piece of evidence he has against him, though, is that he directed Charlie's Angles. Both of them. Ugh.


Wow! A giant robot! Whoever is directing this movie is awesome! McG?? That's a cool name! Maybe someday I can be called McC. That would be awesome. Not as awesome as McG, mind.

Cool! A terminator!

Huh. Ha-ha! She's making a silly face. You may remember this actress from Spiderman 3, in which she gave a bland, poor performance. Oh well, no matter! This trailer has lots of robots!

Wow! A space-ship type thing! This trailer has spaceships too? This is without doubt the best trailer with spaceships in it that I have ever seen. I bet nobody will ever make a trailer with spaceships in it better than this one. Ever, ever ever.

Ever.


Oh.

Huh.

Wowza!
Holy shit! This is... Star Trek??

I have never been excited by anything Star Trek before. I have never watched a single Star Trek episode all the way through, always swtiching channel or passing out from boredom.

But this...It's all looking very slick. Very lens-flarey. Lens flares as far as the eye can see. The cast? Here's all you need to know:

Hell yeah!

TRAILER RATINGS:

Terminator Salvation: 7 giant robots out of a possible 10 giant robots.

STAR TREK: 9 space-ships out of 10 space-ships.

Some Stuff I Drew On The Plane

So I went to Holland for a while. It was fun.

But I'm sure you're tired of me going on and on about my trip, I mean I can't shut up about it for two seconds. Anyway, here's some drawings I did in a little notebook I got at Eindhoven airport, drawn at 30,000 feet (or however high it is that planes fly).

Film Review: Midnight Meat Train

So. Silly name, huh? What's a 'Meat Train' exactly? Why is it 'Midnight'? Is the train made of meat? What does meat have to do with trains? Hmm?

Anyway. Midnight Meat Train is a movie that came out in 2008. Or should I say, didn't come out last year. Y'see, Lionsgate was taken over by some silly-headed executives who decided to cut back on making movies. So MMT never really had a chance to become mainstream.

Which is a shame, coz it's great! It's based on a tiny short story by Clive Barker, from his well-known colelction of stories Books of Blood. This particular tales follows the New York based life of an avant-garde phtographer, always hunting for the most dark and dangerous shots in the underbelly of New York City.

This isn't why I like the movie though. I like the movie because there's this guy on a train who bashes people on the head with a giant mallet.

It's awesome. This psychotic, well-dressed, mallet-weilding murderer is played by Vinnie Jones, and I would argue that this is his best performance in years. Mainly because he barely says a word throughout the entire film (turns out there's an aweosme reason for that). He's just this robotic, efficient, menacing presence that lives to clobber people in the head with his shiny skull-hammer.

At one point he hits a guy in the head so hard that his face explodes and his eyes fall out.
Not kidding!

I won't bore you with boring things like boring plot. The movie barely does either, and for what is it, it's fine. Characters are well developed and interesting enough to keep you watching, and broken up nicely with the occasional bit of mallet-time.

The whole movie has a distinctly un-Hollywood feel to it too. SAW, this isn't. It's actually got a degree of taste, which I would argue comes from its Japanese director. I'm not going to spoil for you exactly why Vinnie Jones is malleting people with reckless abandon, but it's a bit of a mindfuck when it gets to it. But I wouldn't have it any other way!

Not perfect, not brilliant, but great fun!

I give it 3.5 mallets out of a possible 5 mallets.

John Returns

So, I have decided to create a long-awaited sequel to John and 21st Century Privacy, at long last.

The cartoon, as a rule, must be put together quickly. Like, in a few hours. I think it'll lose a lot of its charm otherwise, and it's shoddiness is a large part of what makes it funny.
Still, I'd like the cartoon to have at least passable animation this time, and I'll be creating it in full High-Def for Youtube! I've already constructed John, who is looking sharper than ever (click for larger).


Also, here's a new cast of characters that John will encounter in his adventures:

I'll be working on it on and off for the next while, so it'll be done soon hopefully!

Dinosaur Comics and PBF

Dinosaur Comics is probably my favorite webcomic of all the webcomics ever. And there are a LOT of webcomics!

Actually, I was lying just now. The Perry Bible Fellowship is my favorite webcomic of all the webcomics ever. It's so good!

Okay, I don't know which is my favorite really, they're just both so damn good. Let's take Dinosaur Comics first!

Dinosaur Comics is made by a Canadian called Ryan North, and he's an awesome guy! Y'know, I emailed him once to tell him how awesome I thought his comic was, and he emailed back! Saying thanks and stuff! That must mean I'm famous.


Dinosaur Comics is not about dinosaurs, really. It just happens to have dinosaurs. It's about science, philosphy, life, the universe, history, geography, parties, sexuality, friendship, and just about everything you can imagine. What makes it totally unique is that every single Dinosuar Comic uses the same art, and the same layout of panels. The only thing different is the text. The comic has been going since 2003 or so, with several new comics per week. Pretty incredible what you can get out of six panels re-used again and again!

Even after all this time, it's still damn hilarious, and you simply never know what to expect.

Now, PBF! Or Perry Bible Fellowship.

Another totally incredible comic, featuring the most pitch-black and downright hilarious panel-based humour I've ever seen. It's not often a comic will make you literally Laugh Out Loud, but PBF will.


Sadly the creator, Nicholas Gurewitch, has moved onto other things, from updating the site with a new comic every week or so. But the site is still there with its extensive back-catalogue, so check it out!

D4

I recently met a Dublin-based filmmaker who, in an extraordinary coincidence, also happened to have made a Cloverfield satire movie last year. We were astounded at the similarities in our subject matter, and agree that the pieces are, in a way companion pieces of each other.



D4 tells the story of, ohh m'god, 3 tewtally morto gorls from D4 who go walking on the beach one day, in the midst of a horrific catastrophe. I won't spoil the plot for you, but suffice to say that the film works on a level of satire totally different (and I would say much funnier) than Shamrockfield.